My Meeting with Williamton Orphingson-Smyth

I take time off from my usual satirical writings to tell you of one of the most memorable moment of my life. I am talking of course, of last Thursday, where, by great fortitude, I happened to meet the famed actor of stage and screen, Williamton Orphingson-Smyth.

Famed, of course, for his appearance in the war epic ‘We Went Over Sea To Bloody Well Show Jerry A Thing Or Two’, and the now world famous romantic comedy, ‘Cor Blimey Matron, Up For A Bit Of ‘Ow’s Yer Father?’, Orphingson-Smyth is a world famous actor in the South-west England region, whose name has reached the far-flung regions of the South London Commuter Belt, due to his superb season as Mr. Dave in the RSPCA’s version of ‘The Two-Hundred and Ninety-Forth Man!’. Williamton’s selfless act, of going on strike during filming of the short lived TV series ’Wiggie Mylandoner’s Birthday Bash’, in protest of his measly fees, which only amounted to a couple of thousand pounds per working day, allowed people in such important professions as the stage and screen to earn well into the mi££ions. Despite protest from the Union of Underpaid Cameramen, all of whom were left unemployed and broke by Orphingson-Smyth’s coordinated strike, Williamton came through with flying colours, and his name is now synonymous with his home town of Tiverton, where he has become nothing short of a cult hero.

Williamton grew up during the depression, and times were tough. Times were so tough, that his father had to sell off one of their Glouchestershire estates, and had to seriously consider working for a time. No Orphingson-Smyth had ever done such a degrading act, and for Jameson, Williamton’s father, to consider such an act brought great shame upon the family, so much so that they came to be known as ‘Working Class’ throughout the West Country area. Jameson, who could not deal with such great shame, had to think the unthinkable, and killed himself 2 years later, by chocking on a Ferrero Roche. Williamton, fortuitously as coming from such humble roots, with such a troubled childhood, managed to get himself into the school of Eton, and the university of Oxford, at a time when entrance requirements were much, much higher, and it is only due to the supreme wealth of Williamton’s great-uncle’s 2nd cousin, who, not wishing to bring further shame to the family, paid the £4 remainder of his tuition fees that could not be covered by the Orphingson-Smyths.

Now, I met Williamton last Thursday. I was sitting in a sandwich shop in Tooting, eating a ploughman’s, when Williamton, who I gather had had perhaps one too many sherries, came up to my table and was sick in my hat. Amazed and taken aback by such a famous star coming up to me and announcing himself in such a manner, I was immediately dumbstruck, and quite unable to speak for approximately 3.7 seconds, at which point I held out a hand and introduced myself. He muttered something incomprehensible, before biting off my ear. Astounded that such a celebrity should pay such attention to me, I vowed never to wash my ear again. I have so far been true to this, as I have been unable to find it.

However, so shortly after these happy events, tragedy struck. For, no sooner had this event finished, that Williamton walked across the busy street, in the best attempt at a straight line, broke the window of a lime-green Fiat 500, reached in, pulled the handle to opened the door, and hot-wired the car, an event that caused a man sitting near me to suddenly jump up from his table and shout ‘Stop! Come back with my car!’ before shouting some profanity I that daren’t repeat here. However, Williamton was too preoccupied driving the car the wrong way down Tooting Broadway tube station to pay attention. As his vehicle disappeared from view down an escalator, I could only imagine what horrible events would transpire once the 16 police officers, 37 community support officers, 26 transport police officers, 7 armed police officers, 8 police dogs, 19 plain-clothed police officers and 57 vigilantes had caught up with the motor vehicle.

Shock, horror readers, for the constabulary then dared to arrest a beloved actor of stage and screen, and put him on a show trial. He was sent down to serve 14 days in an open prison. Now, any G__-fearing Englishman such as myself must baulk at the prospect of having one of our national treasures of the south-west imprisoned, and I have as such started a riot to free this clearly innocent man. You can join the cause too! Just show up in the Wandsworth area between 6pm-7am Mon-Thurs, and make your voice heard in the name of justice!

President War says Peace!

 lol Norn’ Iron’ headline parody lol

This is something I though I’d never say, but…

George Bush has the right idea. He has the right idea in the Middle East. Well, that may be overstating the matter, as we can’t really overlook Warq, and that whole kerfuffle, but what he has done so far in his visit to Israel/Palestine.

President Bush has visited the area for the first time in his presidency, and has called for the Israeli occupation of Palestine to end, and for a viable Palestinian state to be created. This is certainly a step in the right direction!

Palestine has been frequently criticised for the terrorist violence related to it, as has Israel for it’s overzealous military policy, but neither is completely at fault. The Palestinians were, of course, natives to this area, and were therefore not too happy about another state, one that has nothing to do with the majority of the indigenous population, being created on top of them, and in the early years were given very little forum to make themselves heard. And so they did in the only way they could. Israel has, since it’s conception, been surrounded by antagonistic states, and has had to go to great lengths to ensure it’s survival. I’m not saying that either is ‘right’ to act like general assholes, but they’re not acting like this without reason.

So why should Mr. Bush, of all people, be the man to sort this (quite large) problem out?

Because, for various reasons, America is the country best placed to get results by pressurising the Middle Eastern democracy, and the president is the man best placed to apply this pressure.

Whichever side you’re on, you have to admit that this is a step in the right direction, firstly as were America to support the creation of a ‘proper’ Palestinian state, it may help alleviate tensions between it’s neighbouring countries and the west, as America isn’t really too popular in the area (Israel itself may be one of the reasons for this), and secondly because it may alleviate tensions between Israel and their neighbouring nations, which I needn’t tell you, is very bad, and has been since it’s creation 60 years or so ago.
I’m not being over-optimistic, tensions may not improve greatly, but any headway that can be made in this sensitive area really should be made.

Now much still needs to be sorted out, but if we can come to an agreement that neither sides completely hates (hey, it may be possible) then perhaps progress can be made for the first time in… Well, it’s been a while.
No matter how great war may seem in the short term, no one can deny that peace is a better option for the long term, no matter where they’re from, what background etc., barring only the war profiteers (or what I normally call them, which I won’t post here in a vain attempt to keep it civil).

The ‘I’m Not Political, But I Don’t Like George ‘Dubbya’ Bush’ brigade will of course be rather cynical at this attempt at peace by a well-known warmonger, but hey, look at what Tony ‘Bliar’ has done for Northern Ireland (Dr. No says Yes!, et. al.).

I will be watching the remainder of Bush’s tour of the area with great interest, and will probably post a follow up to this post upon it’s completion (now there’s something I’ve never done. Hell, I never even made another series review. I still may, though…)

I’m Not Political, but

Today in town, I saw a teenager wearing a hoodie (oooh, bad things, he must be about to mug an old lady of her kittens before stabbing her to death and eating her) that said ‘I’m Not Political, but I Don’t Like Labour’.

This depressed me.

We live in a free country, and of course you are free to say what you like about our reigning political party (or at least I think that’s how it should be), but if you proceed it with the statement ‘I’m not political’, I’m sorry, but why the FUCK should I care? If you aren’t political, then why are you wearing that political statement for the world to see? Is it supposed to show how Labour are so bad that even those who aren’t political turn against them? Well, not really, it just shows that you’ve been duped into jumping on the sensationalist bandwagon. Sure, the current regime is far from what we’d expect from a government, and there are plenty of reasons to be angry at them, but if you proceed the statement with ‘I’m not political’, then thanks mate, I’m off to find someone who is and knows what he’s saying. You may be rebelling, but when the rest of us rebel we actually bother to check up what it is we’re rebelling against.

This doesn’t mean your opinion should count anymore because you have no concept of what you’re arguing about, because if you tried that under any other subject, you’d be considered an idiot.

Examples;

‘I don’t look at art, but I don’t like the ‘Mona Lisa’.’ Please, look at some art, including the Mona Lisa, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

‘I don’t listen to classical music, but I don’t like Bach.’ Please, listen to some classical music, including Bach, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

‘I don’t listen to pop music, but I don’t like McFly.’ Please, listen to some pop music, including McFly, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

‘I don’t watch movies, but I don’t like Stephen Spielburg.’ Please, watch some movies, including Spielburg movies, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

In all of the above examples, the speaker sounded like some moron who just rates something before experiencing it for himself, based on (presumably) other people’s 2nd hand news.

Note: this isn’t the same as saying ‘I’m not a writer, but I don’t like Dan Brown’, because that would be the equivalent of him saying ‘I’m not a Politician, but I don’t like Labour’. If that was the case, then he would be much like many other political commentators, who aren’t politicians, but still understand the subject matter (some of them even fully understand it!). What he said was the equivalent of ‘I don’t read, but I don’t like Dan Brown’. Yes, because you heard somewhere that ‘The Da Vinci Code’ was a book of lies, and inaccurate, and otherwise bad, bad, bad (this is true, but look at it this way, I do read, and I have not formed an opinion of him, as I have not read his books, for precisely those reasons).

Now politics is quite hard to understand (especially fully), and you may even know more about it that you make out, by just putting that hoodie on. But for the love of whichever deity you follow, if that is the case, please drop the ‘I’m not political,’ and replace it with something else, because it makes you sound like a twat.

If that isn’t the case, I take solace in the fact that you won’t be voting. Ever.

2007 in Review

Tonight, we take a look at the past year, with speacial guest commentator Neil Hannon from The Divine Comedy. Take it away Neil!

Generation sex
Respects
The rights
Of girls
Who want to take their clothes off
As long as we can all watch that’s okay

MSP were warned of the large numbers of ‘extreme’ material youths in Scotland are accessing, while actor Chris Langham is jailed for possession of child porn. Controvesy in reality television show Big Brother as housemates are accused of bullying Shilpa Shetty.

And generation sex
Elects
The type
Of guys
You wouldn’t leave your kids with
And shouts off with their heads if they get laid

Nicolas Sarkozy is elected president of France, and divorces his wife months later. His rival in the elections, Segolene Royal, also split from her partner soon after her defeat. America gears up for elections in 2008 as the parties attempt to select a hopeful from a woefully inadequate list of candidates, while Britian, despite a change of Prime Minister, have an election cancelled as Labour fall behind in the opinion polls (Scotland is now in the hands of the Scottish National Party, who will attempt to cede from the Union as soon as they can find the majority required to do so). Australia select a new leader, Hong Kong may be able to do so by 2017, and Russia refuse to. Burma is unhappy as they can’t, while Pakistan is unhappy because they can. Hugo Chavez recives his first ever election defeat in a referenfum in Venuzuela, and a man who may be jailed for corruption is set to become the next leader of South Africa. Northern Ireland burys the hatchet.

Lovers watch their backs
As hacks
In macs
Take snaps
Through telephoto lenses
Chase Mercedes Benzes through the night
A mourning nation weeps
And wails
But keeps
The sales
Of evil tabloids healthy
The poor protect the wealthy in this world 

10 years after her death, the British tabloids, as well as the public in general for some reason, still haven’t got over the death of Princess Diana. An inquiry is launched in London, uncovering new evidence, while conspiracy theorists have a field day. And by conspiracy theorists I mean the press in general. A concert is held in Wembley Stadium, attracting more television viewers than Live Earth a week later, a concert to raise awareness for global warming.

Generation sex
Injects
The sperm
Of worms
Into the eggs of field mice
So you can look real nice for the boys

Breakthroughs in cloning and stem cell research cause controversy, as does DNA pioneer James Watson, as he announces that black people are less intelligent than white people. China plans to build the world’s largest gene bank, Nicaragua introduces a blanket ban on abortions, Mexico City legalises it, and British MPs are told that it’s safe for women to perform their own abortions at home.

And generation sex
Is me
And you
And we
Should really all know better

Here’s for a good 2008!

The Queen is dead, long live the King

Benazir Bhutto, the opposition leader in Pakistan, has been assasinated. She was shot thrice before a suicide bomber detonated himself.

Pakistan was due to have elections in 2 weeks. The ruling party has  mentioned that these may now be postponed.

Her 19-year-old son had been appointed her successor.

He is currently studying abroad, and intends to continue studying abroad, despite his new position.

In his absence, his father (Benazir Bhutto’s ex-husband) will rule the party.

Nice to see a party so desperate for victory appointing someone on their ability, rather than, say, their lifelong experience of being related to Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, who each and every chair has been related to.

Sorry if I sound cynical, but it’s very hard not to be. Perhaps I could get over the fact that the Bhutto dynasty has complete control over the chair of the PPP, but the fact that their new co-chairman is 19, living abroad, and cannot fluently speak the national language is quite a hurdle, I must admit. The PPP need to win elections. Will this man/boy help them achive these aims? Pakistan, a nuclear power no less, really deserves better.

Hmm… Just trying to think of another nuclear power who’s leader is related to another ex-president. I can’t remember it at the moment, but I’m sure that guys doing well.
Just look at it this way. Who would you rather have had as your leader, Tony Blair… or Mark Thatcher?
An extreme example maybe, but sooner or later you will get a Kim Jong-il throwing a spanner in the workings.

Short post, I know, but I’m leaving early tomorrow to visit my uncle who has stomach cancer.

South American Socialists

The People of Venezuela Give Demagogue Hugo Chavez Crippling Defeat!

Or so we’re told.

President Chavez has had a move to abolish the limits on the number of terms a president can sit rejected by his own people, 51%-49%. Much of the press in this country (Britain, where I live), as well as in America, has labeled this a ’significant defeat’ and that the ‘Venezuelan people have spoken out against oppression/for democracy’ or words to that effect.

The first problem I had with these was that, while the defeat itself may have been significant, the margin really wasn’t. People have been playing up how much this means, but really, 51%-49%? It’s about as narrow as narrow margins get. It’s really nothing to Chavez, if he dresses up another, similar referendum, and uses nice words, there is nothing to say that at least the 2%, if not more, that he needs may join his side. It is by no means a significant margin.

The second is that I don’t belive that abolishing the term limits is against democracy. Quite the opposite in fact. I think that term limits are in themselves against the principles of democracy. Democracy is all about the people’s choice. If the people want to vote for a popular president who has been well liked throughout the many years of his stewardship, why stop them? ‘Democracy’ means that they should be able to if they want to. If the people want to vote for a power-crazed Demagogue who will abolish parliment, send off all the minorities they don’t like to concentration camps and declare war on every other nation on the continent, then stopping them would be undemocratic. Regarless of anything else, a democracy means that the elected government is the people’s choice. It is against the principles of democracy to stop the people voting for who they want, regardless of how insane the people they want to vote for are. Countries such as America, who have imposed a 2 term limit, or Germany, who have outlawed the Nazi party, have attempted to make the Democratic system more workable by changing some aspects of it. Now, I’m not saying that this is necessarily wrong, but it isn’t necessarily democratic either. America could be percived to be undemocratic itself, as in the event of a president’s death or resignation, his vice-president takes over the remainder of his term, and the nation has an unelected head of state, as opposed to countries such as France, who must must elect a new president.

Which brings me onto my final point. France is a nation who, like many other democracies, have no term limit. Funnily enough, noone’s complaining about those guys.

Aunty Beeb

Ah, the good old state television and radio coperation, the BBC.

I’ve recently seen I’m Alan Partridge, the hilarious Steve Coogan comedy about a ‘failed chat-show host turned late-night radio presenter’, and there was one scene where he tries to get the head of programming at the BBC to accept various quickly thougt up ideas, such as ‘Youth Hostelling with (ex-boxer) Chris Eubank’ or ‘Fat People…in…prison?’.

I’m sure this was very funny at the time.

Which was before BBC3.

Now programs either as silly, or siller, are being made for the BBC, such as the gems that are Help! My Dogs as Fat as Me! and Can Fat Teens Hunt? .

And this brings me to my point. The licensing fee, which British houses with a TV have to pay, and in turn pays for the BBC.

So the BBC has decided, in all it’s wisdom, to cut the things that actually justifies the fee, ie journalism.

Now, for some reason the BBC has got a reputation outside the UK for being the pinnacle in journalistic impartiality and quality. No idea where they got this from, possibly because it’s a well known brand that isn’t American.

Maybe I’m being a bit harsh. The BBC does offer excellent world radio programming, in the form of the World Service, and their international TV isn’t so bad either. Their website is one of the top news sites on the web.

Yet us in Britain, who pay the aforementioned fee, are paying for this, and in return getting, well, Freaky Eaters.

I am aware that Jeremy Paxman, the man who likes to think of himself as Britain’s top journalist, has already brought up this exact topic, but when he earns more than £1 mil a year from the BBC, it’s easy to call him a hypocrite.

But I won’t, as he got where he is by being a good journalist, and wants to see the Beeb’s journalistic integrity maintained.

Now, all that ranting over old news aside, anyone who has been following the news in Britain knows of the many scandals it’s been in in the past few month, theres the rigged competitions (fair play, the BBC did act on them as soon as it came out, but why not before), the controversy with the Queen (maybe I can understand, as our country has a somewhat unhealthy obsession with the royals), erm, calling a cat on children’s show Blue Peter Socks, as opposed to Cookie, which came first in a poll of viewers (Socks came second, one hell of a fuss about what is really nothing this one), and, finally, dubbing sound of babies crying over a short video about a woman who had quintuplets. Why is that last one even news?

I have no idea what I was trying to achive with this post, but overall I think it was ‘BBC can do good things but don’t. And people give them stick for all the wrong reasons.’
Yes, there are plenty of good reasons to complain. That they dubbed sound over a news item that really wasn’t much of a news item isn’t one of them.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

The Writers Guild of America has gone on strike!

May I be one of the first to say, whoopee-shit.

Actually, I may be too late for that.

Anyway,  the Writers Guild of America has gone on strike. This means that no new TV programs are being made in America as no one will write them (besides scab labour).
I know what you’re thinking ‘But V-K Legget, why are you going on about this when you live in Britain and hate American TV programs?’
Well, first of all thats not entirely true as I do like Heroes, House and a few others that I’ve seen over the years, including the Daily Show which I sometimes see one day later on C4 (although not anymore) and secondly, it all seems a bit… well, trivial. As television is. Obviously going on strike puts pressure on TV companies to pay them more as otherwise they’ll have no programs to show/sell, but at the end of the day, it’s an entertainment industry, it doesn’t really inconvinience anyone like a public transport or power strike would. It reminds me (or doesn’t, as I wasn’t born back then) of the British Miners Strike in the mid-80s.
To simplify it;

Margaret Thatcher: I shall close down the mines as they are unprofitable.
Miners: We shall strike as we do not like that idea.
Margaret Thatcher: … Then I shall close down the mines as they are unprofitable and no ones working in them.

Well, maybe thats oversimplifying it.

Margaret Thatcher: I shall close down the mines BECAUSE I AM THE EVIL INCARNATE.
Miners: We shall strike BECAUSE WE ARE DANGEROUS COMMUNISTS.
Margaret Thatcher: … Then I shall close down the mines as they are unprofitable and no ones working in them AND I AM THE EVIL INCARNATE.

Of course, thats still oversimplifying it, because miners who worked in mines that wern’t going to be shut down also went on strike, and this also arguably caused the left-wing of British politics to implode in on itself, which caused a downward spiral thats left us today in the situation where the next election will see Centralists A stand against the ruling Centralists B, each of who have stolen each other’s policies 500 times over, and where Centralists A will probably be the victor, as they have a young, charismatic leader, while Centralists B have a dull, old Scotsman who is paying for the mistakes of their ex-young, charismatic leader, and is constanly being told to resign in favour of a new young, charismatic leader. Meanwhile the Liberal-Centralists C have jumped on the bandwagon by putting their 66-year old leader out of his misery and are now trying to select between young, charismatic leader X and young, charismatic leader Y.
But I digress.
But my point stands that this won’t have a severe effect on the country as a whole (as much as you may think, the American economy does not lean entirely on TV (it leans entirely on selling weapons to 3rd world dictators)). Although that wasn’t the point I was making. And the previous point doesn’t mean much as America won’t shut down it’s TV industry (it’s America, for christ’s sake).

But overall, this is all rather trivial. To think it’s taken me this long to make this relativly simple point…

Gotta Love the Copyright Police!

Oh dear, what have those crazy cats been up to now?

Well, it turns out that Comcast, who I am informed are an American Internet Service Provider, have been sending out Cease and Dissist orders to random people to stop them downloading (Japanese) anime series, which haven’t even been licensed for the American market. And the best part is, they didn’t even mention on behalf of which company they’ve sent the C&D orders. So, they’re using the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA, American copyright laws) to protect the interests of an unidentified company that holds the non-existant rights. Makes sense? I thought not.

And it gets better, as BayTSP, a California based company that protects copyright laws, has recently sent a copyright infringement notice to a person in France for downloading an anime series that hasn’t been licensed in France, and have also disclosed the company that they’re sending it on the behalf of: Odex, who do own the rights, except in Singapore.
Why did Odex do this? Who knows.

In summery, an American company have asked a French person to stop downloading Japanese television shows on the behalf of a Singaporean company.

What does this all mean? I have absolutly no idea. How this pans out will be interesting to watch, and see exactly how national copyright laws hold up in foreign nations in the legally-grey area that is the internet.

And if you have no idea what I’ve been talking about for the past few minuets, don’t worry, I probably haven’t either.