I take time off from my usual satirical writings to tell you of one of the most memorable moment of my life. I am talking of course, of last Thursday, where, by great fortitude, I happened to meet the famed actor of stage and screen, Williamton Orphingson-Smyth.

Famed, of course, for his appearance in the war epic ‘We Went Over Sea To Bloody Well Show Jerry A Thing Or Two’, and the now world famous romantic comedy, ‘Cor Blimey Matron, Up For A Bit Of ‘Ow’s Yer Father?’, Orphingson-Smyth is a world famous actor in the South-west England region, whose name has reached the far-flung regions of the South London Commuter Belt, due to his superb season as Mr. Dave in the RSPCA’s version of ‘The Two-Hundred and Ninety-Forth Man!’. Williamton’s selfless act, of going on strike during filming of the short lived TV series ’Wiggie Mylandoner’s Birthday Bash’, in protest of his measly fees, which only amounted to a couple of thousand pounds per working day, allowed people in such important professions as the stage and screen to earn well into the mi££ions. Despite protest from the Union of Underpaid Cameramen, all of whom were left unemployed and broke by Orphingson-Smyth’s coordinated strike, Williamton came through with flying colours, and his name is now synonymous with his home town of Tiverton, where he has become nothing short of a cult hero.

Williamton grew up during the depression, and times were tough. Times were so tough, that his father had to sell off one of their Glouchestershire estates, and had to seriously consider working for a time. No Orphingson-Smyth had ever done such a degrading act, and for Jameson, Williamton’s father, to consider such an act brought great shame upon the family, so much so that they came to be known as ‘Working Class’ throughout the West Country area. Jameson, who could not deal with such great shame, had to think the unthinkable, and killed himself 2 years later, by chocking on a Ferrero Roche. Williamton, fortuitously as coming from such humble roots, with such a troubled childhood, managed to get himself into the school of Eton, and the university of Oxford, at a time when entrance requirements were much, much higher, and it is only due to the supreme wealth of Williamton’s great-uncle’s 2nd cousin, who, not wishing to bring further shame to the family, paid the £4 remainder of his tuition fees that could not be covered by the Orphingson-Smyths.

Now, I met Williamton last Thursday. I was sitting in a sandwich shop in Tooting, eating a ploughman’s, when Williamton, who I gather had had perhaps one too many sherries, came up to my table and was sick in my hat. Amazed and taken aback by such a famous star coming up to me and announcing himself in such a manner, I was immediately dumbstruck, and quite unable to speak for approximately 3.7 seconds, at which point I held out a hand and introduced myself. He muttered something incomprehensible, before biting off my ear. Astounded that such a celebrity should pay such attention to me, I vowed never to wash my ear again. I have so far been true to this, as I have been unable to find it.

However, so shortly after these happy events, tragedy struck. For, no sooner had this event finished, that Williamton walked across the busy street, in the best attempt at a straight line, broke the window of a lime-green Fiat 500, reached in, pulled the handle to opened the door, and hot-wired the car, an event that caused a man sitting near me to suddenly jump up from his table and shout ‘Stop! Come back with my car!’ before shouting some profanity I that daren’t repeat here. However, Williamton was too preoccupied driving the car the wrong way down Tooting Broadway tube station to pay attention. As his vehicle disappeared from view down an escalator, I could only imagine what horrible events would transpire once the 16 police officers, 37 community support officers, 26 transport police officers, 7 armed police officers, 8 police dogs, 19 plain-clothed police officers and 57 vigilantes had caught up with the motor vehicle.

Shock, horror readers, for the constabulary then dared to arrest a beloved actor of stage and screen, and put him on a show trial. He was sent down to serve 14 days in an open prison. Now, any G__-fearing Englishman such as myself must baulk at the prospect of having one of our national treasures of the south-west imprisoned, and I have as such started a riot to free this clearly innocent man. You can join the cause too! Just show up in the Wandsworth area between 6pm-7am Mon-Thurs, and make your voice heard in the name of justice!

Now I don’t usually do this, but heres some clips of two bands who are, in my opinion at least, two of the best bands to perform live, for any unfortunate soul who hasn’t been able to see them in concert.

R.E.M. – Man on the Moon

The Levellers – Riverflow (bad quality)

I think that if anyone’s just heard the studio versions of these songs should see what I mean.

In other music news, I have a Last.fm page setup. You can see what I’ve been listening to on the left (<–), or you can see my profile here.

This week it’s Moskau, by the German band Dschingis Khan.

 
In America, you find translation on this webpage
In Soviet Russia, webpage find you!

 lol Norn’ Iron’ headline parody lol

This is something I though I’d never say, but…

George Bush has the right idea. He has the right idea in the Middle East. Well, that may be overstating the matter, as we can’t really overlook Warq, and that whole kerfuffle, but what he has done so far in his visit to Israel/Palestine.

President Bush has visited the area for the first time in his presidency, and has called for the Israeli occupation of Palestine to end, and for a viable Palestinian state to be created. This is certainly a step in the right direction!

Palestine has been frequently criticised for the terrorist violence related to it, as has Israel for it’s overzealous military policy, but neither is completely at fault. The Palestinians were, of course, natives to this area, and were therefore not too happy about another state, one that has nothing to do with the majority of the indigenous population, being created on top of them, and in the early years were given very little forum to make themselves heard. And so they did in the only way they could. Israel has, since it’s conception, been surrounded by antagonistic states, and has had to go to great lengths to ensure it’s survival. I’m not saying that either is ‘right’ to act like general assholes, but they’re not acting like this without reason.

So why should Mr. Bush, of all people, be the man to sort this (quite large) problem out?

Because, for various reasons, America is the country best placed to get results by pressurising the Middle Eastern democracy, and the president is the man best placed to apply this pressure.

Whichever side you’re on, you have to admit that this is a step in the right direction, firstly as were America to support the creation of a ‘proper’ Palestinian state, it may help alleviate tensions between it’s neighbouring countries and the west, as America isn’t really too popular in the area (Israel itself may be one of the reasons for this), and secondly because it may alleviate tensions between Israel and their neighbouring nations, which I needn’t tell you, is very bad, and has been since it’s creation 60 years or so ago.
I’m not being over-optimistic, tensions may not improve greatly, but any headway that can be made in this sensitive area really should be made.

Now much still needs to be sorted out, but if we can come to an agreement that neither sides completely hates (hey, it may be possible) then perhaps progress can be made for the first time in… Well, it’s been a while.
No matter how great war may seem in the short term, no one can deny that peace is a better option for the long term, no matter where they’re from, what background etc., barring only the war profiteers (or what I normally call them, which I won’t post here in a vain attempt to keep it civil).

The ‘I’m Not Political, But I Don’t Like George ‘Dubbya’ Bush’ brigade will of course be rather cynical at this attempt at peace by a well-known warmonger, but hey, look at what Tony ‘Bliar’ has done for Northern Ireland (Dr. No says Yes!, et. al.).

I will be watching the remainder of Bush’s tour of the area with great interest, and will probably post a follow up to this post upon it’s completion (now there’s something I’ve never done. Hell, I never even made another series review. I still may, though…)

Today in town, I saw a teenager wearing a hoodie (oooh, bad things, he must be about to mug an old lady of her kittens before stabbing her to death and eating her) that said ‘I’m Not Political, but I Don’t Like Labour’.

This depressed me.

We live in a free country, and of course you are free to say what you like about our reigning political party (or at least I think that’s how it should be), but if you proceed it with the statement ‘I’m not political’, I’m sorry, but why the FUCK should I care? If you aren’t political, then why are you wearing that political statement for the world to see? Is it supposed to show how Labour are so bad that even those who aren’t political turn against them? Well, not really, it just shows that you’ve been duped into jumping on the sensationalist bandwagon. Sure, the current regime is far from what we’d expect from a government, and there are plenty of reasons to be angry at them, but if you proceed the statement with ‘I’m not political’, then thanks mate, I’m off to find someone who is and knows what he’s saying. You may be rebelling, but when the rest of us rebel we actually bother to check up what it is we’re rebelling against.

This doesn’t mean your opinion should count anymore because you have no concept of what you’re arguing about, because if you tried that under any other subject, you’d be considered an idiot.

Examples;

‘I don’t look at art, but I don’t like the ‘Mona Lisa’.’ Please, look at some art, including the Mona Lisa, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

‘I don’t listen to classical music, but I don’t like Bach.’ Please, listen to some classical music, including Bach, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

‘I don’t listen to pop music, but I don’t like McFly.’ Please, listen to some pop music, including McFly, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

‘I don’t watch movies, but I don’t like Stephen Spielburg.’ Please, watch some movies, including Spielburg movies, and come back to me when you’ve formed your own opinion from that.

In all of the above examples, the speaker sounded like some moron who just rates something before experiencing it for himself, based on (presumably) other people’s 2nd hand news.

Note: this isn’t the same as saying ‘I’m not a writer, but I don’t like Dan Brown’, because that would be the equivalent of him saying ‘I’m not a Politician, but I don’t like Labour’. If that was the case, then he would be much like many other political commentators, who aren’t politicians, but still understand the subject matter (some of them even fully understand it!). What he said was the equivalent of ‘I don’t read, but I don’t like Dan Brown’. Yes, because you heard somewhere that ‘The Da Vinci Code’ was a book of lies, and inaccurate, and otherwise bad, bad, bad (this is true, but look at it this way, I do read, and I have not formed an opinion of him, as I have not read his books, for precisely those reasons).

Now politics is quite hard to understand (especially fully), and you may even know more about it that you make out, by just putting that hoodie on. But for the love of whichever deity you follow, if that is the case, please drop the ‘I’m not political,’ and replace it with something else, because it makes you sound like a twat.

If that isn’t the case, I take solace in the fact that you won’t be voting. Ever.

I don’t know, but some of you are probably aware of the large-haired S&M Willy Wonka comedian that is Russell Brand. You almost certainly have heard of him if you are British, and I hear that recently he may have broken America. In any case, you may or may not have heard of him, but that’s not really important, as he has basically nothing to do with the article.

Bar the beginning. I was first introduced to Mr. R. Brand (as a historian would introduces one to Alexander the Great, i.e. not in person) by a friend of mine, via that Russell Brand BBC 6music podcast. Now, these podcasts starred, along with Russell himself, his long time collaborator Matt Morgan and comedian Trevor Lock. These were, believe it or not, extremely funny. Of course they were, otherwise I wouldn’t have started downloading the weekly podcast myself. The dynamics of the podcast were actually similar to the immortal Ricky Gervais podcast, basically 2 men in a room bouncing jokes off a third. Well, similar, as this time Trevor Lock, their Karl Pilkington, was actually quite intelligent, and bounced jokes back (and Matt Morgan isn’t anywhere near Stephan Merchant at being funny, but I won’t dwell on that). The break up of these shows went something like this;
50%Humorous anecdotes, 30% Deriding of Trevor by Russ/Matt, 10% Russell on how great he is, 10%SURPRISE!

Then, the show moved to BBC Radio 2, and celebrations were had, as I no longer needed a digital radio/internet to listen. But in early 2007, disaster struck. Trevor Lock announced he was leaving the show to focus on his own projects. And leave he did. Needless to say, this completely ruined the dynamics. Matt and Russell on their own…, Well, the new shows were like this;
90% Russell on how great he is, 10% Matt weakly tries to reel Russell back

Sure, it was still somewhat funny, but it was missing Trevor Lock. Both me and my friend knew, even before his departure, that it was him that made the show. It wasn’t the same without him. I still download the podcast, but without Trevor (and also as they seem to have exhausted their stock of humorous anecdotes) the show is missing something. It has been a downward slope since ‘Cocky-Locky’ left the show, and some of the more recent shows…

But what happened to Trevor Lock? He disappeared off the face of the Earth, and was never heard from again. His own projects never materialised, and it seemed the world had lost that much humour….

Until, last week, I got a message from a Trevor Lock fanclub I’m a member of (which I signed up for PURELY for this message) that the Lock was returning to radio! Much jubilation occured, until I actually checked where and when he was on.

10pm-12am on PowerFM, a local radio station in Southampton.

Shit.

Well, thanks to the wonder of the internet, I’m listening to his show right now (albeit a disrupted version due to my BLOODY internet). He appears to even have acquired his own Matt Morgan (Ollie someone or other, who sounds disturbingly like Paul Miller (who’s radio show I would be listening to now (BBC Radio Solent/SCR/Oxford/Kent), were I not listening to this (and I’ll catch the last hour of anyway))).

My opinion of it?

Needs a Russell Brand.

In other news, it only seems right to mention Russell Howard, who you may have heard of from his appearances off Mock the Week (the young blond one). He has his own 6music podcast, his own Trevor Lock (John Richardson), and a name to match. It’s probably the thing I’ve found that is most similar to the ‘glory days’ of the Russell Brand podcast.

My complaint?

Needs a Matt Morgan.

He’s admited it!

To quote from the article;

“I haven’t been able to do it myself. I got a guy to, no, I tell a lie, I downloaded a lot of my CD collection onto my computer, and then I put it onto the iPod,” he said.

Ahaha Mr. Adams! Copying music from a CD onto a computer actually contravenes British Law! Try denying that one now, eh?

But enough actual news about extremist politicians/Britain’s ridiculous copyright laws, lets try to guess what’s on the iPod of the North’s foremost Republican (Republican in the Irish sense, as in one that wants a single united republic on the island of Eire, and not in the American sense, as in conservative, or the rest of the world’s sense, one that wants a republic (the sense that makes the most sense. But enough of this wordplay);

(to save space, I’ve only included the 1st verse and chorus)

A Nation Once Again by The Wolfe Tones
 I read of ancient freemen,
For Greece and Rome who bravely stood,
Three hundred men and three men;
And then I prayed I yet might see
Our fetters rent in twain,
And Ireland, long a province, be.
A Nation once again!

A Nation once again,
A Nation once again,
And lreland, long a province, be
A Nation once again!

The Smashing of the Van by Chumbawamba
Attend you gallant Irishmen and listen for a while
I’ll sing to you the praises of the sons of Erin’s Isle
It’s of those gallant heroes who voluntarily ran
To release two Irish shamrocks from an English prison van

Hurrah! My lads for freedom, let’s all join heart and hand
May the Lord have mercy on the boys that helped to smash the van

The Irish Rover by The Pogues
On the fourth of July eighteen hundred and six
We set sail from the sweet cove of Cork
We were sailing away with a cargo of bricks
For the grand city hall in New York
‘Twas a wonderful craft, she was rigged fore-and-aft
And oh, how the wild winds drove her.
She’d got several blasts, she’d twenty-seven masts
And we called her the Irish Rover.

But that’s quite enough patriotic tunes to whip up any Irish heart for one night, so I’ll leave you with one that probably won’t be on his iPod;

Sunrise by The Divine Comedy
I was born in Londonderry
I was born in Derry City too
Oh what a special child
To see such things and still to smile
I know that there was something wrong
But I kept my head down and carried on

Who cares where national borders lie
Who cares whose laws you’re governed by
Who cares what name you call a town
Who’ll care when you’re six feet beneath the ground

In the interest of fairness, here’s a link to the Reverend Dr. Ian Paisley MP’s website, uniteirelandnow.ie.

Tonight, we take a look at the past year, with speacial guest commentator Neil Hannon from The Divine Comedy. Take it away Neil!

Generation sex
Injects
The sperm
Of worms
Into the eggs of field mice
So you can look real nice for the boys

Breakthroughs in cloning and stem cell research cause controversy, as does DNA pioneer James Watson, as he announces that black people are less intelligent than white people. China plans to build the world’s largest gene bank, Nicaragua introduces a blanket ban on abortions, Mexico City legalises it, and British MPs are told that it’s safe for women to perform their own abortions at home.

And generation sex
Is me
And you
And we
Should really all know better

Benazir Bhutto, the opposition leader in Pakistan, has been assasinated. She was shot thrice before a suicide bomber detonated himself.

Pakistan was due to have elections in 2 weeks. The ruling party has  mentioned that these may now be postponed.

Her 19-year-old son had been appointed her successor.

He is currently studying abroad, and intends to continue studying abroad, despite his new position.

In his absence, his father (Benazir Bhutto’s ex-husband) will rule the party.

Nice to see a party so desperate for victory appointing someone on their ability, rather than, say, their lifelong experience of being related to Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, who each and every chair has been related to.

Sorry if I sound cynical, but it’s very hard not to be. Perhaps I could get over the fact that the Bhutto dynasty has complete control over the chair of the PPP, but the fact that their new co-chairman is 19, living abroad, and cannot fluently speak the national language is quite a hurdle, I must admit. The PPP need to win elections. Will this man/boy help them achive these aims? Pakistan, a nuclear power no less, really deserves better.

Hmm… Just trying to think of another nuclear power who’s leader is related to another ex-president. I can’t remember it at the moment, but I’m sure that guys doing well.
Just look at it this way. Who would you rather have had as your leader, Tony Blair… or Mark Thatcher?
An extreme example maybe, but sooner or later you will get a Kim Jong-il throwing a spanner in the workings.

Short post, I know, but I’m leaving early tomorrow to visit my uncle who has stomach cancer.

The People of Venezuela Give Demagogue Hugo Chavez Crippling Defeat!

Or so we’re told.

President Chavez has had a move to abolish the limits on the number of terms a president can sit rejected by his own people, 51%-49%. Much of the press in this country (Britain, where I live), as well as in America, has labeled this a ’significant defeat’ and that the ‘Venezuelan people have spoken out against oppression/for democracy’ or words to that effect.

The first problem I had with these was that, while the defeat itself may have been significant, the margin really wasn’t. People have been playing up how much this means, but really, 51%-49%? It’s about as narrow as narrow margins get. It’s really nothing to Chavez, if he dresses up another, similar referendum, and uses nice words, there is nothing to say that at least the 2%, if not more, that he needs may join his side. It is by no means a significant margin.

The second is that I don’t belive that abolishing the term limits is against democracy. Quite the opposite in fact. I think that term limits are in themselves against the principles of democracy. Democracy is all about the people’s choice. If the people want to vote for a popular president who has been well liked throughout the many years of his stewardship, why stop them? ‘Democracy’ means that they should be able to if they want to. If the people want to vote for a power-crazed Demagogue who will abolish parliment, send off all the minorities they don’t like to concentration camps and declare war on every other nation on the continent, then stopping them would be undemocratic. Regarless of anything else, a democracy means that the elected government is the people’s choice. It is against the principles of democracy to stop the people voting for who they want, regardless of how insane the people they want to vote for are. Countries such as America, who have imposed a 2 term limit, or Germany, who have outlawed the Nazi party, have attempted to make the Democratic system more workable by changing some aspects of it. Now, I’m not saying that this is necessarily wrong, but it isn’t necessarily democratic either. America could be percived to be undemocratic itself, as in the event of a president’s death or resignation, his vice-president takes over the remainder of his term, and the nation has an unelected head of state, as opposed to countries such as France, who must must elect a new president.

Which brings me onto my final point. France is a nation who, like many other democracies, have no term limit. Funnily enough, noone’s complaining about those guys.